Ahhh! Just emailed my resume off to a couple of job listings. Also apartment searched online and I’m already talking to some potential roommates.

THIS. IS. CRAZY. hey jobs, call me maybe?? ;))

oh boy.

it’s almost summer, and I turn 20 this month :P

I’ve been thinking about wanting to do this for over a year now, but never thought I would really consider it. I think after this quarter ends, I am going to leave UCR and move to San Francisco to pursue a career in fashion. I gotta start somewhere and I don’t think Riverside is the place to start. I always had the idea instilled in my mind that I must attend a four-year university to be somebody. I must get a degree in something I love to be the basis of what I will be doing for the rest of my life. Well, I’m about to be a third year in college and I only just declared a major. A major that I settled on because nothing else offered tickled my fancy. I don’t want to settle. In the long run I am not going to look back and think “man, I’m glad I settled..” No. Right now, UCR is a safety net from the big bad world out there; a paved path to a degree and then that “just-graduated-stay-at-home-til-I-get-on-my-feet” point in life. It’s also costing quite a lot of money for that safety net.

My plan is to search during this quarter and this summer for a job in SF (gotta start somewhere!) so I can move into an apartment. (Ahh!) Be a part-time student at SFSU and start getting my name out there in any way that I can (resumes, tacky-business cards, maybe start a fashion blog, call magazines). I’m going to be starting at the bottom of the totem pole and working my way up. I might be crazy to drop out of a UC to work and be a part-time student. But, I am in charge of my future, and if I’m not happy with how it’s looking, something has to change.

And of course I’m hesitant, this safety net sure is cozy..The world is a scary place and I don’t think I’ll ever be sure if I’m completely ready for it. What I really should do is take this risk, this giant leap of faith. So, here I go….leaping. This will either be a huge mistake, or the best choice I ever make. I’m terrified. But I’m going head-first.

(I’m only 90% sure though….I need a second opinion, support, someone to tell me I’m insane…..something!!)

oh boy.

This is my last bit of procrastination for the night. It’s 11:40pm and I have a 3 page paper to do, French readings and questions to answer and Religious studies readings to do. I am completely overwhelmed because my procrastination has gotten to the point where I skip class to do homework, but don’t even end up using that time to complete the homework. -__- Something must be wrong with me, or I’m just retarded. I need to manage my time better, and maybe actually do some homework when its still light outside!

I’m writing this as a reality check.. I need to get back on track. If I don’t start getting shit done soon then the consequences are going to stick with me for a long time. LE SIGH.

Alrighty, I’m off to cry for 12 minutes, stop feeling sorry for myself, make some tea, maybe drink a 5 hour energy and be fucking productive. I may look like shit tomorrow, but at least I’ll be back on track with my academic work.

YOU CAN DO THIS, LILY.

oh boy.

Dear Everyone,

No one deserves to feel like they aren’t worth anything. NO ONE. Everyone deserves to feel wanted, to feel safe and to feel like they are worth something. It breaks my heart to know that some kids are bullied at school (a place where you spend a majority of your teenage years), and go on to being depressed, and feel like not being alive is the best option. NO ONE deserves to feel like that, especially teenagers. This is the time when we are the most vulnerable, going through changes, hardships, and finding out who we are. I cannot imagine what so many kids go through when they are bullied at school, I wish I could tell them all that they matter and that they will get through it if they stay strong. It’s definitely easier said than done, though. I know here on Tumblr I don’t know a lot of the people I follow personally, but just know you are ALL worth something. Every one of you deserves to be happy. If you are having a bad day, week or even a bad year, you will survive! If you feel like no one cares…remember that I DO!! There’s at least one person that cares. :) Every one of you matters, and I hope that all of you know that. I mean it!

Love, Lily

it’s 4:30 am and just I cant seem to fall asleep. My sleep schedule is beyond repair. Sleeping pills sketch me out, so I’m just hoping that I fall asleep soon. Maybe this weekend I can catch up on some Z’s before my finals.

oh boy.